I often am conflicted about so many things. Everything actually. I sometimes keep a neutral stance on issues and tell myself that I will research it later before I formulate an opinion. Other times I tell people I don’t know enough about a certain topic to comment on it, or to really say one way or another. I guess you could say that I do not trust the public opinion, or the general consensus… I would not be using the ask the audience lifeline first on who wants to be a millionaire.
Anyway. I go against the grain, but I also somewhere deep inside crave to be average. Just average. Unnoticeable. It’s hard for whatever reason I’m a big presence wherever I go. I can not normally sneak around unnoticed. Probably because I have such a large family but maybe just maybe because I am a tall white girl and I have somewhat attractive feature; somewhere under all this tiredness. I have heard people call me nice – but again not feeling the general consensus. So here I am torn between normality and my own personal weirdness. When I go with the weird flow – the messy ponytail the bandanna the crust still in my eyes and down my cheek from drooling all night I am much less likely to be noticed. But as soon as I do my makeup, or brush my hair, or put on something other than my “mom clothes” which have actually become ALL my clothes at this point… Bam. People notice me.
Do I hide from that attention because I don’t feel so pretty and maybe I am just insecure or do I reject it because I am trying not to be normal even though I say I want to be “normal.”
The barista at Starbucks asked me if I dyed my hair, she was looking at me with that, “I know you did something different” face.
No Sweetie. I brushed my hair. Yep. That’s what I told her and it was true. I actually brushed it with a brush and then I used some dry shampoo in the bathroom and sprayed it all in my hair, I took off the bandanna and thought. I will just try to be normal for a couple hours; no hat, no mask, no bandanna to hide behind. And it worked but I didn’t like it.
Again…….not sure about this how I feel if I want to be normal. If I want to be weird. If I want to just figure out what I actually want…. ?