finding myself and deep cleaning my house

There comes a time in every parents life when they are so drained that they let go, if only for awhile. They let go of their fears and their cares, they let go of their ideals. Maybe this only happens when you have been a parent for so long that you can’t remember what it is like to not be a parent, and suddenly you crave that feeling. What is it like to NOT be a mother? What is it like to wake up and only care about yourself? To say fuck it and drink a glass of wine in the morning, to make breakfast and not have to share, to actually take a shower with hot water at whatever time of day you decide.

These are the things you can do when you are not a parent. You can do what you want, when you want, and how you want. To everyone that says you can still be yourself and do whatever you want with kids, you are lying. Because you still need to pack that overnight bag, make sure they have their toothbrushes and even when they are not home you have to care about whether or not they are safe and sound.

Being a parent is a full time job. No fuck that it is a mission. A mission up the biggest hill that never stops getting taller and taller and you don’t get the luxury of a cliff to jump off. You just are. You cannot escape.

Never show your kids a blog post like this, especially if you wrote it. You will be tormented with tons of “You hate us” and “you wish we were never born” and “I knew you hated me’s” No. That’s not what this is – nor is it a “woe is me” statement. I love my kids of course I do. I chose to be a mom a 16. Not chose as in pro-choice either, chose as in I wanted to have a baby and I did and not he is TWENTY and I am, only THIRTY-SEVEN. Yep he is 20. And so you see I can barely remember what it is like not to be a mother and not have to worry about someone else.

So excuse me if I wish that I could wake up one day and just be me. Just roll out of bed into the world and say hey world, what trouble can you bring my way today that does not involve children, or bills, or school, or pets or car payments, house building, work or anything except myself.

My kids are all away right now, step kids at their mothers, birth kids went on an adventure of their own to the beach. My husband is at work. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY MOMENT.  I told my boss I wasn’t coming in because I was “finding myself and deep cleaning my house” really I am walking around naked (until the plumbing inspector showed up) drinking wine, burning sage, and cleaning my kids rooms. I guess this is what a mom does when she finally has free time. I made myself pasta and slathered way too much earth balance on it, I let my dog lay on the couch even though she is in heat – because screw it, I know what it feels like to be in heat.

I finished reading a book and was not impressed even though I so wanted to be. I folded tons of laundry and washed all my kids blankets, and it’s only 2pm. And the most pathetic part of this all is I miss my kids.

I don’t wish they were home yet though because I have lots more cleaning to do. ❤

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