I thought about preposing this post with some corny cheesy loving thing saying disclaimer this post is not mean that I don’t love my stepkids but you know what f*** that I shouldn’t have to explain my love for those children anymore than I have to explain my love for my own.
Sometimes being a stepmom is buns.
Buns is the saying the kids are using these days, and something that really sucks; it’s caca buns.
This week I really feel like being a stepmom is completely caca buns. I’m not talking about the weekend stepmom where the kids come over disrupt your life they’re super bratty disrespectful rude to you tell you their mom hates you and then they go home on Sunday at 2 o’clock p.m stepmom.
I’m talking about the dad works 10-plus hour days, the kids go to their mom’s house for 24 hours a week; that’s one night Saturday to Sunday. stepmom.
I’m talking about the Stepmom that IS the mom. the primary caregiver. the one that wakes up with the kids in the morning washes their clothes, feeds them their meals teaches them life lessons the one that goes to their parent teacher conferences ( shit that reminds me I have one today at 3 o’clock) and prepares all forms, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, sports. the one who nurses them back to health when they’re sick ; the one that does every single thing she does with her own children but on a day-to-day basis with her step-children too.
I will put in a disclaimer for this one that I’m Not discounting The Weekend Stepmom whatsoever because I’m also one of those and I understand that struggle as well. In general I would say that that struggle is worse than the day to day stepmom struggle. Not this week though.
Well this week right here has just been a week of hell a week of arguments with my husband about parenting differences a week of my step kids getting in trouble at school; at home. a week of me getting phone calls from the school about my stepson being disrespectful and rude to a teacher and angry text messages from an angry mother complaining that my step daughter has been teasing her child and hurting her feelings.
A week of finding out from another parent that my step daughter has been planning a birthday party, has already invited kids from her school and then went back un inviting her daughter rudely all with her mother’s backing, help and lying. A party we knew nothing about a party that she’s been hiding from us and lying about.
Even though we already have spoken to her about this type of thing multiple times and made it clear that any playdates at mom’s house need to go through dad first. She doesn’t give a f*** she doesn’t care; she said “I want to have a party at moms and I knew you wouldn’t let me.” She does not have a moral fiber in her body when it comes to getting what she wants she feels entitled, and has no problem stating it.
A week of Lies. A week of questioning whether or not this is something that I really want to do with my life. Do I really want all this extra stress.
The best part is somehow I end up being the evil stepmother regardless of anything. In my husband’s eyes and then again in my step kids eyes.
It really doesn’t matter that I devote every minute of my time trying to give his children something that their own mother could never give them trying to teach them morals and guide them and give them knowledge on how to be a kind and caring human. It means nothing.
That I am taking away time that I could be spending with my own children and devoting it on his children that needed something more in their lives. My kids had a mom they’ve always had me. these kids didn’t. These kids didn’t have anything until they had me; they were in a foster home about to get put up for adoption their mom was on heroin and their father my husband; was in jail for non-payment of Child Support. I said we have to get them; they need us.
There’s not a lot of women that wake up one day and say all I want to raise three other children as my own. One of them’s not even biologically my husband’s child so actually he’s a step- step kid that we have full custody of, that I raise as a sibling right alongside the rest of them.
My biological kids know that I will smack them on their ass if I’ve done every other thing possible and it just isn’t working and that’s enough right there to prevent me from ever having to do it; I think I spanked my 15 year old one time in his entire life and that was enough for him.
Now the catch here is that suddenly my husband is anti spanking and doesn’t believe in spanking his kids these three kids at least.
He had no problems telling me to spank OUR oldest son multiple times throughout the years, oldest son who is now 21.
I’m not talking about beating a child, or multiple spankings used as a form of consistent punishment; I’m not talking about straight up ass whoopings like I used to get. Im not even talking about using spankings I’m talking about the knowledge that the underlying consequence could lead to a smack on your ass. Just the knowledge itself .
A check; a reminder that you have an obligation to behave in a certain way as a member of this family. And I’m saying as a last resort, for kids who consistently demonstrated that they just have no fucks to give.
Example; stepson 1 & 2 sitting on couch, youngest brother jumping around acting like a hyper frog. Stepson 1 (almost 13) kicks youngest brother (7), I asked him why he did it, told him that it’s not ok to kick youngest brother like that. Turn to walk into kitchen stepson 2 (9) drop kicks youngest brother 3 feet across the room and hurts him badly.
Legitimately 1 second after I just said this is not ok. I think that warrants a spanking. That’s a wtf are you doing moment.
If you look at the children and my household we will see a complete discrepancy in behavior.If you came to my house, when my oldest two 21 & 19 are home you would hear them saying “mom you never let us get away with that” and “Mom I can’t believe they act like that” “Mom why don’t you do something; you guys don’t do anything”
My hands are tied; I must have done something right to have raised my children up into adulthood. I must have not been so mean or evil because they still come around every chance they get.
To be really honestly this week has shown me that they’re right. There’s absolutely no consequence for anything with my step-children. They pit their mom against us and they believe that they can get away with anything they want because why?
They’re completely spoiled for those 24 hours a week that they go to their moms house and they use that time as their Guiding Light for life it seems like. She teaches them that it’s ok to lie to us and hide stuff from us and they fall right into it; all my hard work wasted.
So what the f*** am I supposed to do keep on raising these kids fighting with my husband fighting a battle that I can never win because I’m just a step mom?
Say f*** it and literally walk out of this house like I did the other night taking my 3 kids. I said “fine if that’s the way you want to raise your kids I’m leaving”
Took my kids and left for about 30 minutes I felt completely free and happy until I realized I didn’t really have anywhere to go with 3 kids at 9 o’clock on a school night, and my 15 year old was having wifi withdrawals so I eventually came back home.
I just really didn’t feel like home though; I slept with my kids on the floor and my daughter’s room and I just felt like a refugee in my own house. I bet that’s a common feeling for a lot of stepmoms.
And then the next day is when I got the text messages from the pissed off mother about my stepdaughter. It’s like the good Lord was testing me and my relationship with my husband to have to talk once again about parenting issues regarding my step kids.
And then the birthday party came up. Just keeps getting better and better.
Yesterday a friend asked me how do you know when it’s meant to be with someone.
I told her that I believe it’s just a constant working situation. You have to keep working at stuff if you want it to work and you have to weigh the pros and cons of your life to see what really grabs your heart.
It’s not about the true love like I actually used to think. It’s not about the hot passionate sex (although without that you will never survive) or about the marriage being the final resting point in a relationship showing how much someone really loves you.
It’s a struggle it’s a battle it’s a constant job to be married it’s a constant job to work on your life together; and adding children I to the mix magnifies it all. Adding 11 children like we have shines the bright light right in your eyes.
As I was telling her, ” you have to make a list of your pros and cons and see what you really want your life to be” I was thinking secretly in my head about my life how many times have I made that list about what I wanted in life? How my Cons right now, this week seem to outweigh my Pros.
Then I thought about how many times have I sat here and imagined being an old grandparent and my husband sitting by my side in this house we are building together for our family; and about all our kids coming back to their childhood home for holidays and being able to spoil my grandkids because I never had the opportunity to spoil my own kids.
And it makes me think that that’s what it’s about, the future; their future.
All these texts and phone calls and stresses… I’m not going to remember that when I’m old and gray with my grandbabies in my lap.
I’m going to remember the good times and I’m going to look at my kids all of my kids and be happy that I was a part of their lives be happy that I was able to raise them and teach them what I could.
But it really makes me question if it has to be so stressful for the process to get to that point in life.
Does it really have to be a miserable battle with arguments or is there another way is there something that I’m just missing is there something that we’re missing?
And then I think well if I died next week would I be happy with my life the way it ended? Would someone at my funeral say that I was a great stepmom and mom, that I devoted everything to my children? Is that what they would say, because right now it feels like this life is a joke; it’s kicking my ass.
One thing I realized while writing this is that I am missing the very thing I am trying so hard to give all these kids. Guidance; a loving mother, grandparents or any kind of elders willing to share their experiences & knowledge with me….. I do not have any of that!
I don’t have the family structure in my life that I want for my kids, and that right there is enough to tell me that I need to keep going.
Keep trying. Keep working at this thing called life and not give up so quickly; someday all our kids will reflect on their lives and I want that to be a happy reflection. They will learn about love and marriage from the example we provide; spankings or not. Someday they may be stepparents their selves; not the most attractive job on the planet, definitely buns; but something I’m not giving up on just yet.